It’s Day 28 of this self-imposed 30-day writing challenge. I may be the only one who finds this entertaining, but since I’m laughing my ass off as I write this, I’m going to continue the story of “Charlie Weaver and the Magical Object of Doom” from yesterday…. (a.k.a. A satire of Harry Potter/Percy Jackson/Gregor The Overlander) I’ll start off with a few sentences from yesterday and continue to take this story to a whole new level of absurdity/stupidity:
The walk to the pasture was at least one mile. I kept staring at the hole in the bucket as I munched on the biscuits. There was no way I could carry all of that milk without losing it to the hole. Aunt Bertha would beat the living daylights out of me if I came back with less than a pail of milk. But what could I use to patch up the bucket?
I was so worried about the hole that I didn’t notice that I was being watched.
As I walked through our grazing pasture, I looked around for our milking cow, Clarabelle. She was nowhere to be seen. I had a sinking feeling that she may have wandered off again. My fears were confirmed when I saw the broken boards in the fence surrounding my family’s small property.
“Clarabelle,” I called out, as I hopped over the fence. This wasn’t good. Our neighbor, Mr. O’Toole, had already threatened to shoot Clarabelle the next time he caught her eating any of his prize-winning squash. I had to find her before he did.
“Here, girl,” I shouted, as I landed in a large, ankle-deep puddle. Although I was wearing Paw Paw’s knee-high rubber boots, which offered some protection, my pants were already splattered with mud. I made a mental note to hose myself off before going to school. “Clarabelle, where are you, girl?”
Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head. I’m over here, Charlie Weaver. By the golden apple tree on the hill.
I don’t know why, but something mysterious prompted me to run towards the tree. The voice was right. Lo and behold, there was Clarabelle, calmly munching on some apples. The large brown cow looked at me reproachfully. What took you so long? My udder is full.
I stopped and stared at her. Did her lips just move? As I scratched my head, thoroughly confused, I wondered what was wrong with me. Was I hallucinating? Why could I understand what Clarabelle was thinking?
Clarabelle made a sound like a moan. Well, Charlie, don’t just stand there like a gawking at me like a ninny. Milk me. She swung her head towards the tree. There’s a stool over there. Hurry up.
Something propelled me to grab the stool from under the tree, set the pail down, and start milking her. Clarabelle emitted a loud sigh of relief. In the middle of milking, I heard a noise behind me. It sounded like mooing.
Who be your friend, Clarabelle?
Your friend, who he be?
Two beautiful Jersey cows walked around me and stood on either side of Clarabelle. The larger one was all black, while the other one had a shiny black coat with large white spots. They both watched me with eyes that were surprisingly human in expression.
Clarabelle mooed her response. That’s Charlie Weaver. He’s my caretaker.
The cow with the spots watched me as I finished milking Clarabelle. She turned to Clarabelle and tilted her head in my direction. Milk me, can he? Full udder I have.
And I also, Clarabelle. Full udder I also have.
I wiped the sweat from my forehead before pulling the pail out from under Clarabelle. The milk immediately started to leak from the hole in the bucket. I quickly placed my thumb over it and wondered how I would make it all the way back to the house without losing any milk.
Thank you, Charlie Weaver. Can you milk my friends as well?
A loud guttural sound emitted crossed my lips without effort. It took me a few moments to realize that I was conversing with the cows in their native tongue. In short, I was mooing my responses.
“I’m sorry, Clarabelle, but I can’t. My bucket is full,” I held up the pail and tapped it with the side of my head. “Although it won’t be full for long, because of this stupid hole.”
Clarabelle looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before speaking again. If I can fix your bucket, will you milk my friends?
I looked at the sun rising in the East. Based on its position in the sky, I estimated that I had a few hours before school started. So I shrugged. “Sure, I can milk your friends too. But how will I carry their milk in this bucket? Should I dump yours out?”
No, no, Clarabelle shook her head and spat out an apple core. You must keep all of the milk that you collect in your bucket. You will need it later.
I had no idea what she was talking about. “Well, whatever,” I shrugged again, swiping my sweaty forehead with my sleeve. “I’ve got school, so let’s just get this done. Which of you wants to go first?”
The cow with the white spots approached me after Clarabelle moved away from the stool. First I will go.
The other cow nodded and stepped behind her. Go you shall first.
I began milking the cow with the white spots. I could feel a surge of adrenaline as I reached for her teat. When the first drops of milk hit the pail, an eerie calm settled over me. I just lowered my head and focused on the milk.
Even though I was consumed by the milk, a part of me could still feel the tremors of the earth as a herd of cattle descended on our group. Voices echoed in my head. Milk you he will.
And I did. It felt as if time stood still. I just kept on milking one cow after another until no more cows stood in front of the stool. After the last cow walked off into the meadow, I collapsed onto the ground. I felt utterly exhausted after milking what must have been over 100 cows.
Clarabelle nudged my foot with her nose. You have our gratitude, Charlie Weaver.
Both of the Jersey cows nodded their agreement. Our gratitude you have, Charlie Weaver.
A boon we will give you.
Give you a boon, we will.
As I lay in the cool, comforting mud, I stared up at the sky and whispered, “What’s a boon?”
Clarabelle, to her credit, did not roll her large brown eyes at me. “A gift for your services.”