Why Starbucks Hates the Wolverines, Not Jesus

So, last night, once the little children finally drifted off to sleep, I jumped online to read the trending news.  The most important item of the evening was something about Starbucks.  To my horror, I discovered that Starbucks had the audacity to redesign its holiday cups for 2015.  They actually eliminated all holiday themes and replaced them with NOTHING.  Their cups are PLAIN RED.

As a pro-snowflake person, I felt insulted.  Removing any winter-related design is a clear attack on cold weather.  I was about to create my own hashtag protest until I read comments from a former pastor named Joshua Feuerstein.  I was relieved to discover that the people at Starbucks don’t hate snowflakes.  They hate Christmas.

Now, I’m not a religious person, so I had no idea that this was how we should interpret the plain red cups.  I felt growing rage as I read about the “War on Christmas” and how much Starbucks “hates Jesus.”  I had no idea that the manger scene actually took place in the North Pole.  Were the Three Wise Men actually Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Reindeer and the Abominable Snowman?  Was Jesus born in the middle of a blizzard?  If so, then I completely understand the former pastor’s outrage about the elimination of the winter scenes from Starbucks’ cups.

After all, a strong religious foundation is based on disposable coffee cup designs during the holiday season.  If you take that away from religious people, what else do they have?  Where else can they go for faith?  Based on this logic, I was eager to join the pastor’s campaign against Starbucks.  After plunking down $4.50 on the Starbucks counter for my caramel macchiato, I told the barista that my name was “Merry Christmas.”  I chuckled inwardly as I waited for my drink next to the large “Christmas” blend coffee display.  Take that, Starbucks!  That’ll teach you to attack Christmas and Jesus of the North Pole.

As I walked through the mall, sipping my Starbucks coffee in its plain red cup, I heard Christmas carols.  In November.  It occurred to me that as an agnostic, this should offend me in some way.  So, I stifled the warm, festive feelings surging within me to muster outrage.  I wrapped my fingers more tightly around that plain red cup.  I could feel its power against the conversion music that blared over the speakers.  I didn’t want that music to accidentally convert me, so I quickly left the mall and its blatant “War On NON-CHRISTIANS.”

When I returned home, a friend of mine expressed outrage that Starbucks colors were green and white.  I frowned, as I contemplated his comment.  Those are the colors of the Michigan State Spartans.  On further reflection, Starbucks also has a lot of red and white in its stores.  The colors of the Ohio State Buckeyes.  With increasing concern, I realized that I hadn’t seen one single display in the store with maize and blue, which are the colors of the University of Michigan.  I could only draw one logical conclusion.

Starbucks hates the Wolverines.  And so begins my hashtag protest campaign:


2 thoughts on “Why Starbucks Hates the Wolverines, Not Jesus

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