For those of you who are new to this blog, I’ve been trying to write 15-minutes of absurdity a day. For a while, I was doing really well. During that wave of snark momentum, I began a story called “Charlie Weaver and the Prophecy of Doom.” It’s a satire that mocks the entire young adult fantasy genre. The two main characters are Charlie Weaver and Shivani Roy. Charlie Weaver is a likable, incompetent hero who stumbles ass-backwards into good things. Shivani Roy is intense, sarcastic, and saves Charlie on several occasions.
I know that I’m going to age myself with this one, but for some reason, I’m feeling a Donkey Kong vibe. I need a quest. And a princess. Maybe some fireballs and a barrel or two? I’m not sure. Let’s start this and see where it goes:
Ryan tossed the apple in the air, caught it, and grinned at us. “Well, there’s nothing like a good quest to start the summer.” He took large bite and started chomping on it loudly. “So, what’s all of this about?”
Shivani rolled her eyes, before turning her attention to Aryana. “What do you need us to do?”
“We need your help,” Aryana said, pushing a long strand of dark, wavy brown hair over her shoulder. “The princess is missing.”
“What princess?” I asked gently, looking down into her large blue eyes. They were framed by the longest eyelashes I had ever seen in my life. She looked so sad that I wanted to pick her up and hug her.
“Is she hot?” Ryan asked at the same time.
Aryana shifted her eyes towards him. She looked confused. “Hot?”
“Really? Hot?” Shivani shook her head in disgust. “What does that have to do with anything?” She placed her hands on her hips and stared at him.
“Now, Vani, don’t get upset,” Ryan replied. I could almost picture the steam coming out of Shivani’s ears at the name ‘Vani.’ He grinned at her and continued. “You know that I think you’re hot too. In an angry sort of way. But I need the information for this quest.” He leaned against the side of the cave and looked at Aryana. “So, you were about to tell us what she looks like?”
“She is a lovely person,” Aryana said, her voice wistful.
“Oh, for the love of,” Shivani muttered. “You don’t have to answer his questions, Aryana.”
Ryan ignored Shivani. His brow furrowed. “Does that mean she has a good personality?”
“Oh, yes,” Aryana replied, nodding her head. One dark curl escaped from her hair band. “The princess has been wonderful to my family and me.”
“Well, that’s great that she’s a nice person,” Ryan said, before taking another bite of his apple. “But how does she look?”
“She has an alabaster brow,” Aryan began.
I interrupted. “What’s an alabaster brow?”
Aryana frowned at me. “I’m not sure, but she has one”
“Enough,” Shivani shot Ryan and me a look of disgust. “Will both of you please be quiet and let her finish? ” she snapped and turned towards Aryana. Her face softened. “Aryana, please continue.”
“Princess Poppycock is the most beautiful Bharatian in the land,” Aryana replied in surprise. “I thought everyone knew that.”
“Princess Poopcup?” I repeated, confused. I had never heard of her before. Was she the leader of the dwarves? Or Aryana’s people?
Shivani choked, covered her mouth with her hand, and turned away from Aryana. Ryan saw her and grinned, but he quickly changed his expression to look serious. He nodded at Aryana to continue.
“Princess Poppycock,” Aryana repeated. She didn’t notice Shivani’s shoulders shaking. “Her hair is the color of a raven’s wing, her lips are as red as cherries. Her skin is as soft as a lotus petal and her eyes sparkle like jewels. She is so beautiful that birds sing on her approach and small, woodland creatures offer her flowers when she crosses their paths,” Aryana turned her serious gaze on us. “Men have died for her.”
“She’s that good-looking, eh?” Ryan’s eyebrows raised. He tossed the apple core away and slapped his hand on his thigh. “Well, then by all means, count me in. I’ll find your hot, I mean, your princess.” He picked up his bag, threw it over his shoulder and took a few steps before stopping. “Oh, by the way, does this princess have money?”
Shivani’s dark brows knit together. Before she could retort, the fireball landed just a few feet away from Ryan. “Asuras,” he shouted at us, and pulled out a sword. “Run for cover!”
Shivani dove into Aryana just as another fireball landed a few feet away from the cave entrance. She scrambled to her feet as I ran over to them. “Charlie, get her into the cave,” Shivani shouted at me, and pulled Aryana to her feet. She pushed the two of us towards the cave, before pulling something out of her pocket. It was the necklace from Big Bucks. She slipped it over her head and looked at us. Her eyes changed color. They were topaz. The color of the Asuras.