It has been WAY too long since the last time I wrote something on this blog. The New Year is approaching and I want to get back into writing fiction. Well, to be more precise, writing “snarky” fiction.
For some people, this comes without effort. For me, it takes work, which is strange, because in real life, most people would tell you that I’m a sarcastic person. But how do I translate that into writing? How does someone write an ENTIRE NOVEL filled with snark? I won’t even call it satire, because I think that’s a little too cerebral for me. I’d like my first book to be borderline “Sharknado” fiction (i.e. so absurd that people think it’s funny).
Well, time to stop procrastinating and start practicing. Let’s get back to the Donkey Kong vibe, Charlie Weaver and whatever else pops into my head. Here goes:
“Is that a monkey?” I stared out of the cave. It felt like we were being watched. A movement caught my eye.
“What monkey?” Aryana asked, as she rummaged through her back pack. She pulled out two flash lights and handed one to me.
I took it from her. My gaze settled on the cliff across the valley. There was a figure lurking in the shadow. When it moved again, I tapped her on the shoulder and pointed. “There. Do you see it? I swear that it’s a monkey.”
“I don’t think that’s a monkey,” Aryana replied, squinting at the figure. She pulled out a knife from her back pack and strapped it to her leg. “It’s too big.”
I frowned. Paw Paw had been gone for at least thirty minutes. He said he wanted to scout the area before we moved ahead on the path, but it shouldn’t have taken this long. I had a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that the figure had something to do with his absence.
“We can’t leave,” Aryana replied, frowning at me. “Paw Paw hasn’t returned. He’ll be back momentarily.”
I winced at her tone. She thought I was being a coward. But I wasn’t. “We can’t stay here if that’s an Asura. What if that thing is the reason Paw Paw isn’t back yet? He may need our help.”
“He told us to stay here until he returned,” Aryana said. Her voice was firm. “I’m not going anywhere without him.”
The ground beneath our feet started to rumble. “What is that?” Aryana asked, eyes wide.
“Earthquake,” I yelled and pushed her to the ground. I threw my body over her, like any good hero would do.
“Get off of me,” she shrieked. Her small hands pushed against my chest. The rest of her words were drowned out by the loud noises coming from just outside of the cave.
“No,” I yelled, and brushed a stray strand of dark hair from her face. A surge of pride shot through me. I was using my body to shield this poor, defenseless girl against falling rocks. It was something a hero would do. I placed one hand on each of her cheeks and looked into her deep blue eyes. “It’s okay. I’m saving you.”
The next thing I saw was her scowl. Suddenly, I felt nothing but pain. It took me a moment to realize that Aryana kneed me in the groin. Whimpering, I couldn’t resist her when she pushed me off of her body. “Why did you do that?” I asked hoarsely, doubling over in pain. “I was trying to protect you from the earthquake.”
Aryana dusted herself off and stood up. Her look was scathing. “There’s no earthquake, you simpleton,” Aryana snarled, and pointed outside the cave. “That’s a stampede.”
She walked over to the cave entrance. After a few moments, I limped over and joined her. Sure enough, hundreds of animals were running across the valley, towards the cliff. “What on earth,” I muttered, confused.
“I smell smoke,” Aryana whispered. Her pert little nose wrinkled, as she sniffed the air delicately. “I think the forest is on fire.”