Once the Starbucks red ombre cup catastrophe died down, I realized that I could actually help others out by creating a list of legitimately offensive things in 2016. You’re welcome.
Here’s a list of offensive things to start 2016, in no particular order:
OFFENSIVE THING #1 – MCDONALD’S: I get offended when I buy a hot fudge sundae at McDonald’s and rush home before it turns into a soupy mess, only to discover a gumdrop smattering of fudge in the cup. It’s heartbreaking to reach the middle of the sundae and find nothing but the uninspiring swirl of vanilla soft serve. What’s up with that?
OFFENSIVE THING #2 – STARBUCKS: I get offended when I wait twenty minutes in the Starbucks drive-thru line and order a non-fat, no foam vanilla latte, only to reach home and discover that there is a 3-inch layer of foam and no vanilla syrup in my cup. That’s a plain cappuccino, NOT what I ordered. What’s up with that?
OFFENSIVE THING #3 – VERIZON: I get offended when the guy at the Verizon store sells me a freaking IPHONE and guarantees that I purchased enough memory for all of the videos that I want to take, only to discover after 3 months of usage that I can’t take any more pictures, film any more videos, or buy any more music, because I don’t have enough memory. I have to send things to “THE CLOUD.” What’s up with that?
OFFENSIVE THING #4 – MACY’S: I get offended when the lady at the makeup counter of Macy’s sells me “age-defying” foundation under the glow of the store’s fluorescent lights. So, I take it home and slather it all over my face with enthusiasm, only to discover that there’s nothing age-defying about it. There is only a thick, tan paste caked into the creases of my face. And the paste doesn’t even match my skin tone in natural light AT ALL. What’s up with that?
OFFENSIVE THING #5 – RECIPES: I get offended when I find a recipe online, buy all of the necessary ingredients, actually follow the instructions with engineering precision, and only end up with 1.5 dozen cookies instead of the promised 5 dozen. I’m not baking for chipmunks. I’m baking for human beings, so I didn’t use a thimble to apportion the cookie dough. What’s up with that?
OFFENSIVE THING #6 – PANYTHOSE: I get offended when I buy a pair of “control top reinforced” pantyhose, take them home, and stuff my parts into them, only to discover that there’s nothing controlling or reinforcing about them. Things that moved before, continue to move after inserting them into nylon mesh. What’s up with that?
(NOTE: Item #6 really applies to any form-fitting flesh containment system. I think the Jedi knights from Star Wars were on to something. We as a society need to move to long, flowing hooded robes. It would solve a lot of problems.)
OFFENSIVE THING #7 – WASHABLE MARKERS: I get offended when I am badgered by my 4-year old son into buying markers at the store, grudgingly agree to it when I spot “Washable” markers, and let him color with them at home, only to discover that there is nothing washable about the markers once they have been liberally applied to walls, sofas or any other clear surface in the house. What’s up with that?
OFFENSIVE THING #8 – MILKY WAY: I get offended when I purchase a bag of “fun-size” Milky Way chocolate for my secret stash, rush home to hide from my family, and pull one out of the bag to eat while crouching under the bed, only to discover that there is nothing “fun” about them. They’re barely a bite of chocolate. I may as well lick the glass on the pastry display case at Starbucks, because I’d get more of a sugar high from it. What’s up with that?
OFFENSIVE THING #9 – JET’S PIZZA: I get offended when I order a super special pizza from Jet’s Pizza, they ask me if I want a round or square pizza, and I order the square pizza, only to discover that the pizza doesn’t even remotely resemble a square. It’s a RECTANGLE. What’s up with that?
OFFENSIVE THING #10 – HUMORLESS PEOPLE: I get offended when I read an online article, carefully craft a delightfully snarky comment, and post it for the masses to admire, only to discover a coven of humorless people who get offended by anything. The internet is no place for humor. What’s up with that?
Well, that’s it for now. I’m sure if I put my mind to it, I’ll find other stuff that offends me. Happy New Year!