I miss writing for fun. Earlier this year, after reading a social media marketing book, I started an “official” author’s blog under my real name. I moved a bunch of content around and made it look more polished than this site does. It still isn’t where I want it to be, but I’m not ready to actually pay money for a site that I’ll just ignore. As for writing any NEW content?
I have NOTHING. Absolutely nothing.
Every time I start writing something to post on the “official” site, I don’t think it’s good enough and then I freak out and stop writing. Kind of defeats the purpose of being a writer if you stop writing, doesn’t it?
And so, I’m back here. Just writing off the cuff. Whatever pops into my head is going on the screen now.
So, what’s going on in my head right now? This feels like writing in my journal. Very casual. Very easy. I think that’s what I’ll use this site for. Just my random, frequent musings about life and writing.
If you read this, that’s great. If you don’t, I’m okay with that too. I just want to write for the sake of writing in the immediate term.
So, what’s going on in my head right now? A lot of life changes. My 5-year old is going to finish his time at the preschool that has been our sanctuary for the past three years. This fall, he starts Kindergarten.
I’m not ready for this.
It’s bad enough that he doesn’t fit into toddler clothing anymore. I came to that realization earlier this year, when he couldn’t fit into a bunch of relatively new shirts anymore. I think the kid literally grew overnight. Like, one week, the 5T shirts slipped easily over his head and the next day, they didn’t. I spent a few days trying to convince myself that the dryer must have caused the shrinkage. Until I actually went to the store and held up a brand new 5T shirt.
Nope. This kid has grown.
When you’re a stay at home parent to two small children, you live in a swirl of activity that leaves you feeling as if you stepped off of a high speed hamster wheel at the end of the night. There’s a lot of activity, but no visible progress. There are some weeks when you have no idea what day it is, or even the time. All you have in your sight is the next time your kids go to sleep. Sometimes, if you’re fortunate, it’s nap time. Other not-so-great days, it isn’t until bedtime. Those days are LONG.
And then, something like a trip to the store shocks you with the reality of how much time has passed. And you regret not paying more attention, in the midst of the chaos. How could I have missed it? I was there and I still feel like I missed it.
My little guy isn’t so little anymore, and it’s breaking my heart. Because if I can barely remember where the past five years have gone, how will I remember the upcoming years if they fly as fast or faster?
That’s where my mind and heart are right now. I’m not ready for my son to go to Kindergarten this fall. I’m not ready for him to leave toddlerhood behind. I’m not ready to turn my back on the Toddler section and walk across the aisle towards the Boys section. I’m not ready to leave the pastel colors and sleepy farm animals behind for graphic t-shirts and superheroes.
I’m not ready to leave the preschool that has been our safe sanctuary for the past three years. I’m not ready for my son to step onto the faster elementary school track and begin Kindergarten in the fall. I’m not ready for him to be a member of the “Class of 2029.”
I’m not ready for his feet to be bigger than mine are. I’m not ready for him to stop holding my hand when we cross the street. I’m not ready to have to tilt my head up to look into his eyes.
I’m not ready, not ready, not ready. But I don’t have a choice.
So, I’ll continue to struggle and come to terms with this. But I’m not ready.
A Writing Mama's Journal 